My Perspective of Myself

According to Jung Typology, I have a I(ntrovert) S(ensing) F(eeling) J(udging) personality type. Basically, the test had me down to a T. I see myself as someone who can put myself in other's shoes. I can sympathize with and reassure people who are in a tough spot. Sometimes, I will act on impulse driven by emotions and may lash out. I am an open-minded person and enjoy deep conversations about the world, I enjoy reading stories about people from different countries who have different cultures. I am sensitive and often take things personally, such as critiquing from fellow classmates, though, I have gotten better at taking critiquing and making it positive. I do not like to stick out in a crowd, mostly because I'm not quick on my feet and fear that I would say something that made me look ignorant or rude, therefore even with writing I feel like I must be thorough and really think about what I am trying to say. I am a hard worker and do not stay still for very long, often when I start a project I like to finish it. I am as some would say, a creature of habit. I love a good routine. However, I know and accept that life is constantly changing, and adapt easily to new routines. I do not peg myself as a leader but if I knew the job or group well and felt confident about the particular thing, I would step up to the plate and do my best at it. I think that I get along best with people who have similar personalities as me. I try to get along with everyone I meet, but find certain personality types more difficult. People who are more in-your-face, loud, and confrontational I can only take in small doses. I feel that I see things through a romantic light, and perhaps my greatest personality downfall is that I expect to much out of situations and people. This trait might possibly be my greatest benefit as a writer because I like to use words that have deeper meanings. In writing, I like for things to be in order and to make sense. As a student, I want to learn all that I can to be a better writer.

Grateful for my shadows

Lately, or I guess I should say mostly, my life is a pile of mess. I am not an avid organizer, but everything does have it's place. Lately, as of three years ago my life got a little off track. I found out I was pregnant, four months later I was married, and three months after that I became someone's mother. Greyson, was nine weeks early. I went into labor on my own and had him three days later. He remained in the hospital for a month and a half. Even after being pregnant and getting married, all at the age of eighteen, my first real taste of adulthood came when I first held my son.

Six months later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Emberlyn. She was born 14 months after her big brother. And so I became a mother again. In the span of a year, I became a wife and then I became a mother twice.

On most days, I find myself frustrated that all of the things other people my age get to do by themselves, I have to do with two shadows, two destructive shadows. I have spent a lot of my time as a mother being frustrated. Not at stupid things, like sleeping in, but the fact that I have to guard my laptop like an animal guarding a carcass, because my son stepped on my last laptop. Or the fact that I have had to watch Scooby Doo and Curious George over and over and over again. But, when I almost lose my patience, they say things like, "Are you mad at me Mommy? Don't be mad, I love you." And then, I melt into a damn puddle, and they've skirted past Momma Bear once again.

I suppose, in my time as a mother I often forget to be grateful because I am in the present and it is hard to picture my children growing up on me. It is hard to believe that I will miss this "terrible two" stage of my babies' lives. It is also hard to believe that my baby boy is going to be three next month and that my sweet dancin' girl is going to be two in December. Ironically, it's hard to picture in my mind what my sweets looked like even a year ago without actually looking at a picture. I have had the most jumbled, crumbled, cluttered, and happiest past three years of my life, and as many people say, but I'd like to say again, my life would not be as fulfilled without my babies.

Even if it is a pile of mess.