Grateful for my shadows

Lately, or I guess I should say mostly, my life is a pile of mess. I am not an avid organizer, but everything does have it's place. Lately, as of three years ago my life got a little off track. I found out I was pregnant, four months later I was married, and three months after that I became someone's mother. Greyson, was nine weeks early. I went into labor on my own and had him three days later. He remained in the hospital for a month and a half. Even after being pregnant and getting married, all at the age of eighteen, my first real taste of adulthood came when I first held my son.

Six months later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Emberlyn. She was born 14 months after her big brother. And so I became a mother again. In the span of a year, I became a wife and then I became a mother twice.

On most days, I find myself frustrated that all of the things other people my age get to do by themselves, I have to do with two shadows, two destructive shadows. I have spent a lot of my time as a mother being frustrated. Not at stupid things, like sleeping in, but the fact that I have to guard my laptop like an animal guarding a carcass, because my son stepped on my last laptop. Or the fact that I have had to watch Scooby Doo and Curious George over and over and over again. But, when I almost lose my patience, they say things like, "Are you mad at me Mommy? Don't be mad, I love you." And then, I melt into a damn puddle, and they've skirted past Momma Bear once again.

I suppose, in my time as a mother I often forget to be grateful because I am in the present and it is hard to picture my children growing up on me. It is hard to believe that I will miss this "terrible two" stage of my babies' lives. It is also hard to believe that my baby boy is going to be three next month and that my sweet dancin' girl is going to be two in December. Ironically, it's hard to picture in my mind what my sweets looked like even a year ago without actually looking at a picture. I have had the most jumbled, crumbled, cluttered, and happiest past three years of my life, and as many people say, but I'd like to say again, my life would not be as fulfilled without my babies.

Even if it is a pile of mess.